You're A God
by redtrouble
Summary: FemShep/Joker. Mostly T, some M-rated intimacy.  Joker is in love with Commander Shepard, and his feelings have grown so much, he's not sure he can contain them. Funny thing is... she just might feel the same.
1. A Midnight Snack

The ship was dark with emergency lighting on. At night, they always ran dark. Most of the crew were asleep and there was no need for excessive power use. Not that they were really saving energy or doing anything very "go green, save the planet".

In spite of all that, though, the CIC was still lit up like a Christmas tree. The consoles glowed orange and the galactic map sparkled with systems so small they looked like stars. The holo of the ship at the heart of the Center brightened the place without the overheads, and, even with all that, red runner lights still dotted the pathways.

"Weird…" Joker muttered out loud as he made his way down the bridge.

"What is?" EDI asked.

"All the lights in here," he replied.

"I do not follow."

"What's with these runners even though all the consoles are up?" That was just for starters. He wasn't even going to get into the rant about why every damn station had to be on; active, sure… but on?

"The emergency runner lights will remain functioning in case of power generator failure. They never go out."

Joker waved off the omniscient voice as he shuffled toward the elevator. He reminded himself to stop thinking out loud about stupid things—or stop thinking about them altogether.

When the elevator arrived to the crew deck, Joker rounded the corner into the mess and was surprised to realize he wasn't alone.

"Commander?" he asked. "What're you doing down here? Shouldn't you be in bed, storing up energy for that save-the-world thing we got going on?"

"Couldn't sleep," she replied, working at the counter. He leaned onto the surface and investigated what she was doing.

She was chopping a couple of apples into slices and piling them on a plate. She went to toss the core of the first apple, but Joker's protests stopped her.

"Nuh-nuh-nuh," he exclaimed, lunging to grab it. She passed it to him, confused. "There's plenty of apple left on this. Don't just throw it out." He munched around the core as she shook her head.

"I didn't exactly plan on someone coming down here to clean up after me…"

"Well, for future reference…" he mumbled, still nibbling, and motioned to himself.

When she'd finished chopping the second apple, she handed him the leftovers and then pulled out a jar of peanut butter, scooping out a huge glob onto her plate. He dropped the salvaged cores into the trash can.

"What are you doing?"

"Apple slices and peanut butter," she explained, flicking her eyes up at him as she pushed the rest of the spread out of the spoon. He fought to keep his jaw from dropping when she lifted her finger to her lips and licked the rest of it off.

"That's…"—_so hot—_"disgusting—apples and peanut butter? What the hell?"

She grinned and dropped the spoon into the sink, licked her finger one last time, and carried the plate over to the table.

"Have you tried it, Joker?"

"Well, no," he replied, following her to the table and taking a seat beside her.

"Don't knock it 'til you try it."

He made a face.

"Well, see, I actually came down here for some coffee…" he mumbled, watching her dip a slice in the spread and take a bite. "I don't think the two will mix."

She sucked the apple juice off her index and thumb as she stood up; she tapped his shoulder.

"Try a piece. There's no more coffee, so by the time a new pot's done brewing, the taste will be out of your mouth."

He watched her return to Gardner's empty post, slip a new paper in the filter, and scooped eyeballed measurements of grounds into the machine. She poured the water, set the brew strength to strong, and returned to him.

Her cool, blue eyes looked like crystalline blueberries and her long, red hair waved and draped like velvet curtains—heavy, thick, full of volume—around her shoulders and down her back. Her curves were proportionate and body well-toned with smooth, clear skin. She was so damn beautiful.

Joker fiddled with an apple slice, pretending he'd been considering her suggestion the whole time instead of watching her.

"You sure about this?" he asked stupidly, trying to mask his thoughts of adoration with skepticism.

"Just try it," she insisted, stifling a chuckle with another bite of her snack. He gave in, dipped the slice in peanut butter, and took a bite. "Well?"

"Those are two flavors that shouldn't be mixed," he complained. "I don't know how you eat this. It's nowhere near good."

Her only response was laughter and the shrug of one shoulder as she took another bite. In spite of his expressed dislike, however, he continued to pluck apples off the place, scoop up some peanut butter, and eat them. She didn't mention it, which was a relief for his tender pride. They sat there quietly while the coffee maker sputtered behind them, slowly filling the pot with dark drips of Citadel Select – Columbian Dark. Apparently, human coffee still had roots on earth.

The silence made him nervous when it was just the two of them, probably because it didn't happen all too often. At the very least, EDI was there; well, EDI was there then, technically, but less evident. _Remember, you're not thinking about stupid technicalities anymore,_ his inner self told him. _Oh right._

Joker casually snuck glances at her as they ate, loving the movement of her lips around the apple slices, of her tongue around her fingertips whenever she got peanut butter on them; sure, there was sexuality in his Joker-Vision, but it wasn't all perverted. He thought she was adorable, snacking in the middle of the night. And the snack? Cute. But why? If it had been anyone else, he wouldn't have given it a second thought.

He inconspicuously dropped his gaze to her exposed shoulders, at the cotton, blue camo tank top she wore. _No bra…_ he noted. Her dog tags hung between her breasts and jingled whenever she shifted in her chair. He grabbed another bite of apple and snuck another look, inspecting her tiny black shorts and long, athletic legs. _Oh god, you're hot… I wonder what kind of underwear you're wearing under those things…_

"What do you know about on-ship scandal?" she asked suddenly and he snapped his gaze up to hers.

"Say what?" he stammered. _Does she know? Did she see me checking her out? _he wondered. _Maybe… she's interested? No, no, that can't be it. Could it? Oh god, please be it._

"Kasumi says a girl in navigation thinks she might be pregnant," Shepard explained. _Not it,_ he thought glumly.

"Wasn't me," he confirmed. She gave him a look, but there was a tiny smile at the corner of her mouth.

"Not what I meant but, uh, good to know." She leaned back in her chair, taking a break from the nearly finished plate.

"Does it matter? You looking to find the culprit and commence some punishment?"

"No," she replied. "I don't know who it is and I don't really care. I just thought it was pretty remarkable. People always find a way, huh? There's no real privacy anywhere on the ship and, yet, a girl is pregnant. Is there some code among the crew that I don't know about?"

"Well, I wasn't gonna be the one to give it away, but…" he joked. "And besides, Commander, that whole 'no privacy' thing? Not so. You've got your own room away from everyone else. I have the cockpit. Everyone else is screwed so, hell, why not have a way to say the engine room's el occupado?"

"Wait," Shepard said, leaning forward and, unknowingly, giving him a good shot of cleavage. _Just a little further…_ "The cockpit's never sealed. What privacy do you have up there?"

"Just because you never see it sealed, doesn't mean the door doesn't work. I can close and lock it whenever I want."

"Joker…" She narrowed her gaze on him, silently communicating that he should never, ever seal the cockpit.

"No worries, Commander," he mused, finishing off her plate of apples. "I'd never lock you _out_. In, maybe. But out? Never."

"What do you do in there by yourself, anyway?

He leaned back in his chair, letting his eyes linger on hers.

"Really?" he asked, a little resentful. "C'mon, Commander, I'm a cripple, so it's not like I'm reserving the engine room."

"You're the only one who thinks of you that way," she replied casually, and then stood. He watched her—dumbfounded—cross over to the kitchen, pour a cup of coffee, and then cast her blueberry eyes in his direction. "Cream, sugar, or both?"

"Black," he replied, gawking a little. _She doesn't think of me… as a cripple?_ he thought. _Does that mean she sees me as a man? Not just a person who happens to be male, but as a sexually capable man? As a potential partner?_ "What does that mean?" He had to know. He stood up as she brought his coffee to him.

"You think you can't block a time slot in the engine room because no one is interested in a cripple," she said, "but no one sees you that way but you. Maybe if you stopped focusing on how you think people perceive you and how you want them to perceive you, you'll stop being such a cynic when you get what you want."

He was blown away by her bluntness and honesty. Sure, she'd always been a sincere person, but this was a whole new level to their friendship. His fingers curled around the mug, brushing hers as he took it from her.

"Well, there's really only one perception I aim to please," he informed her. "There's really only one thing I want."

Shepard intercepted his meaning, he hoped, because her lips parted just barely and her eyes darted from one of his green orbs to the other and back again in assessment.

"It's good to have goals," she finally said, voice hushed, and then cleared her throat. "Well, I'm not condoning distraction on my ship," she warned playfully. "We still have a mission. So," she backed toward the elevator and he followed.

"I know, I know," he reassured her, offering a roguishly charming smirk as he punched the elevator button for the CIC. "I promise, no scandalous affairs when you aren't looking." _Cause whatever scandal I get into, it's going to be with you._

"You're a real shining example, aren't you, Joker?"

"The shiniest."

"I'll keep that in mind."

The elevator dinged and he stepped out.

"Goodnight, Commander," he said. "Don't stay up too late." He sipped his coffee as he put his back to her, retreating to the cockpit. _God, what a night,_ he thought. There was hope for him, after all. How many of the crew could actually claim to have shared apple slices and peanut butter with Saia Shepard, the galaxy's number one hero?


	2. Hey, Commander

"We're docked, Commander, everything's green," Joker told Shepard over the commlink. Her voice cracked back through.

"Good. The shore party is ready," she replied, and the line went dead.

He sighed and fidgeted with the holo-console in front of him, making last minute entries for docking records, finalizing the approved request in the system, and then setting all systems for stasis. It was mindless typing—he didn't really need to think about it in order to do it, which was good considering his brain was on other things.

"I don't like it," Kasumi announced, suddenly appearing in the cockpit. He jumped, startled, and turned to her as though she'd just assaulted him.

"What the hell?" he exclaimed, but she brushed over his aggravation.

"She's been different ever since Horizon. Who the hell is this Kaidan Alenko person, anyway?"

Joker sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. _You read my mind,_ he thought. _She's been on edge ever since she saw him._

"An old crew mate," he explained. Kasumi's eyes lit up underneath her hood.

"An old lover?" she guessed, but Joker's growling expression answered her question. "No. Then what's wrong with her?"

"I don't know. She didn't tell me about it."

"You should ask her."

"Why me?"

"You're her closest friend, aren't you?"

Joker paused. He hadn't thought about it like that before.

"We've… known each other a long time…" he said hesitantly. Kasumi smiled from the shadow of her cowl.

"Then perhaps you should talk to her."

Joker swiveled his chair away from the thief to give himself some space to consider her request. He was the only member of the original crew—well, aside from Garrus—and they did have a connection she seemed to lack with the others. Kaidan had been a mutual friend, which might also give her cause to open up to him. _Open up,_ he repeated in his head. _This could be a good opportunity to get her to open up more…_ Plus, he hated seeing her agitated, especially over some pretty-boy biotic; it made him a little jealous knowing she was thinking of him and that whatever Kaidan had said to her had mattered so much.

"Yeah, I… I guess I could say something," he mumbled, but when he spun back around, Kasumi was gone. "Damn cloak."

Shepard's shore party appeared on the bridge, storming toward him. She was in the lead with her N7 armor worn proudly. Grunt waddled sturdily on her right and Jack sashayed on her left. A biotic badass, a Krogan killing machine, and a Spectre whose countless abilities could be summed up in one way: she excelled at making things dead.

"We're going after the assassin," she explained to him as Jack passed her into the airlock, followed by Grunt. "I'll keep you posted on our progress."

Before she could get entirely out the door, he called her back.

"Hey, Commander!" he exclaimed. Her face appeared in the doorway. "You got a sec?"

She glanced at her crew, gave them a nod that said, 'go ahead', and stepped into the cockpit.

"What is it?"

"About Horizon—"

"I don't really want to talk about it."

"Well I do," he insisted. "You've been stalking up and down my ship pissed to all hell ever since you ran into that Alliance jerk. What gives?"

She stared hard at him for what felt like endless seconds but he was relentless in his determination to get her to spill. After enough conflict between wills through eye-battle, Joker won and Shepard sighed. She dropped into the nearest chair, following the images flashing on the console in front of her with feigned interest.

"I got dumped," she admitted, and Joker nearly swallowed his own throat.

"Dumped?" he blurted, confused. He hadn't known there'd been anything between the two and felt jealousy immediately brewing over their relationship mixed with anger that Kaidan had had the balls to throw it all away.

"Not _dumped_ dumped…" she informed him without making eye contact. He could see by her faraway expression that she was inside her head. "Kaidan was like a brother to me. He believed in me, supported me, mentored me. I wanted to find him—I needed him. We were a team. When I found out he was on Horizon, you know, I fought so hard… I kept thinking, 'hold on, I'm coming'. He came for me so many times."

She tilted her head back against the rest and closed her eyes.

"When I saw him, I was happy. I knew he'd have my back again, just like old times. But he wasn't thinking that. I was blown away—I didn't know how to react," she explained, picking up the pace of her speech, justifying response to Kaidan's coldness. "We'd always been on the same page—our minds were always synced up. _Always_. But on Horizon? We weren't on the same page—not even the same chapter. We were in totally separate books!"

Joker smiled a little at her analogy. _Cute... oh, right, she's being serious right now. Game face, Joker._ He pushed himself out of his chair and hobbled closer until he leaned over her. She opened her eyes, the right one distorted behind her sniper visor.

"We can stop by the library if you want, pick up a copy of what you're reading," he teased, and he got the desired effect. She smiled. "Maybe check out Illium's bookstore, send a copy to him for Christmas."

"Joker…" she whined playfully. "It's not funny." _Yes it is…_

"He'll come around. Kaidan's a smart guy, but he's gonna need some time to catch up. The Alliance always had him on a shorter leash than the rest of us, so it'll take more time for him, but he'll come around. After all, we're your crew—Alenko included. And that hasn't changed."

Shepard's smile lingered on her lips for awhile—those naturally pink lips he so desired to devour. He thought about bending the rest of the way and kissing her, but came to his senses before he was actually foolish enough to do it.

"Thanks, Jeff," she said quietly, blowing him away by using his real name. He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, playing it off as a joke.

"Geez, Commander, everyone needs a little sense knocked into them every now and then. No need to get all mushy on me."

She stood up and went for the exit, but paused and turned to face him with one foot out the door.

"I'm sorry if I rely on you too much. Since… well… I woke up," she said sincerely, "you've been my best friend in the whole galaxy."

He slumped back into his chair.

"Anytime," he replied, and got another full smile before she left. "Anytime…" he whispered.

/

The conversation was full of musical laughter. Magical, wonderful laughter. Shepard relished the sound. It meant the darkness hadn't broken them. It meant there was still hope. She looked around at each face in the port observation lounge, all with drinks in their hand or nearby, except for Tali.

Zaeed and Jacob were having a private conversation to the side—probably concerning one of the mercenary's many life lessons. Mordin sat near Miranda, who was actually finding a moment to smile; she was pretty when she smiled—not in the tailored-to-perfection kind of way, but with a natural glow only a good person could emanate. That surprised Shepard a little.

Garrus stood near Mordin's couch, following the conversation buzzing between Chakwas and Joker—who sat across from each other. Thane had claimed a spot next to the good doctor and Tali took up the space on her other side. Samara lounged against the wall near the window behind Joker, attention caught between the merriment of the crew and the beauty of star-littered space. It was quite a view, and Shepard sometimes found her eyes gazing into the black for no apparent reason.

Grunt stood protectively near Shepard, whose feet were curled up onto the sofa she sat on. Jack was perched next to her, and Kasumi patrolled the room with her drink in her hand. Various crew members, including Kelly, filled up the rest of the room, admiring Kasumi's treasures or relaxing at the bar.

Shepard was happy to see everyone so lively. Prejudice ended at the Normandy and, through battle, each and every person who came under her command learned to trust and respect their teammates. Was there really such a place anywhere else in the galaxy where human, asari, salarian, turian, quarian, krogan, drell, assassin, convict, justicar, clone, Cerberus, Alliance, and mercenary could come together in friendship, drinking and swapping stories under laughter and smiles?

_This is the future I'm fighting for,_ Shepard thought to herself. When the reapers lay dead around them, she prayed to whatever divinity may be out there that this—the peaceful union of all corners of the universe—did not change.

The hum of laughter at the end of Chakwas' and Joker's tale pulled Shepard out of her head.

"I, too, experienced a similar situation when I was a maiden traveling as a mercenary," Samara said, filling the air with her soothing voice. She told a story full of violence, crime, and sex appeal that piqued the interest of all in the room. Her point had nothing to do with the sex—it was just an element of the story—but the justicar's audience had certainly gotten hung up on it, which was probably a side-effect of the alcohol.

Kasumi was suddenly behind Shepard, bending over the couch, and whispering in her ear.

"I'd like to try that with Jacob," she purred, and Shepard gave a quiet chuckle in response. "What about you?" she asked. "Which one of our fine crew heats you up?"

Shepard's eyes immediately fell on Joker, and she blushed furiously. The tingling feeling in her stomach was surely just intoxication. Kasumi had already stood upright and didn't notice her sudden flustering—she could only hope. Her han blue orbs darted out the window, avoiding eye contact with anyone. Why did she think of Joker? Why was she blushing? What was with that little whirl in her gut?

Joker was her best friend. She cared about him—loved him, even. But she'd never thought of anything more. Not until… not until _that _day.

She remembered it as though it were yesterday—standing in the dark after the Illusive Man told her he had a ship and a pilot waiting to carry her into hell and save the universe. Her heart was pumping blood furiously and her stomach was wrenching. She was very still, trying to process everything that had been said, that had happened, but her brain was racing through thoughts like she was on speed.

Dead. Two years. Normandy crashed. Crew mostly survived. Pressly didn't. Dead for two years. Crew gone. Collectors abducting colonists. Cerberus. New crew. Dead two years. Cerberus rebuilt—built, built, _built_. New pilot. Tens of thousands of people—vanishing. New ship. Council denied Reapers. _Dead_ for _two years_.

Shepard tried to inhale, but nothing came.

She couldn't breathe.

Her chest heaved, hands grasping at her breasts under the armor, clawing at her lungs. Tiny slips of air were sucked down her closed throat, but she was already panicking. Her vision was going black and white dots suddenly appeared. The oxygen was flying from her ruptured hard-suit. Shepard's hand went to her throat. She was choking. She was surrounded by the dark. There was no one left. She was going to die.

Footsteps drew near as her body, overwhelmed by anxiety, shot adrenaline into her system. She heaved harder for air, feeling a fight at the edge of her fingertips. _Breathe, Saia,_ she commanded herself, but nothing was happening. Her muscles were tensed beyond mass, like they were going to break out of her skin. _Breathe!_ The pocket of tears filled to the brim beneath her cheeks were starting to hurt, spiking in pain as they prepared to release the dam. Her lips quivered. _Breathe, breathe!_

"Hey, Commander," Joker said behind her.

Shepard's heart almost stopped beating and time seemed to stop. She whirled around at the torso, and her momentum pulled the rest of her body along. A few, small tears were no more than pearls under her lashes. His green eyes gleamed from under a new hat and he smiled.

"Just like old times, huh?"

Her heart start pounding again, but this time from a surge of emotion as the anxiety instantly crumbled away in a thunderous heap. Suddenly, she could breathe again.

Shepard blinked out of the memory. That was the day she'd started appreciating Joker in a new way. When they were together, she felt linked to herself, safe, tethered. His familiar personality was warm and his unique humor was therapeutic for her troubled mind. Sure, she still had fears—about the future, the past, and everything that had happened… but he made them bearable.

_Hey, Commander…_ Those words made her heart skip every time she heard them, like a reminder that he'd been the one to shock her back to life when she was near to flat-lining in the wake of the Illusive Man's informational.

Shepard turned her gaze to Joker and she studied his face, at the creases near his eyes from his smile, and the beard covering his jaw and chin. When he turned his green gaze on hers, she smiled at him. For reasons unknown to her, he blushed a little and smiled back.

It made her feel warm and fuzzy inside.

"I think the liquor's getting to Joker," Jacob remarked, laughing. All eyes went to the pilot. "He's turning red. Who's flying this ship, anyway?"

Several comments were flung across the room at once, and among them, Shepard heard something like, "no drunk sailing", "oh, if it crashes, Cerberus can always build a new one", and "no one's driving, oh shit!"

"I left EDI in control," Joker explained. "We shouldn't crash without fair warning."

More laughter.

"I am more than capable of maintaining drift, Mr. Moreau," EDI interrupted the glee as her blue orb appeared. There were some chuckles.

"Oh, he's in trouble now," Miranda teased.

"Thanks, mom, that's why I left you in charge," he told the AI. "Don't make me come up there."

Jacob's hand went to Joker's shoulder playfully.

"We can't let that happen, now," he joked. "You try to take the ship from EDI, and you really will crash us."

"I can fly this baby in my sleep. What makes you think I'll have a problem doing it drunk?"

"I think that's a challenge," Tali laughed. "Joker's the greatest pilot in the galaxy. You shouldn't doubt him—he'll have to _prove_ it to you."

"Thank you, Tali," Joker said, raising his glass in salute to her.

"I think he was talking about doing something else…" Garrus mumbled, but only a few people heard it. They smiled at the turian and nodded, silently communicating that they'd thought the same thing.

"That's one thing he wouldn't mind proving," Thane's growly voice commented and Garrus grinned.

"There was this one guy I knew," Zaeed began, starting up another round of stories that carried well into the night.


	3. Launching Probe

It had been a couple of weeks since the lounge party. Joker had spent many nights pondering Shepard's smile, but he'd yet to come up with explanations that made sense. Plus, she hadn't done anything else suspicious since then. He was beginning to think it was a fluke.

"I thought the professor went to bed already," Joker commented when he saw the sensor monitor light up with a presence in the tech lab. He yawned as EDI explained.

"It appears Commander Shepard has business in the lab."

"Shepard? Really?" He perked up in his chair, intrigued.

"Would you like me to take over the helm, Jeff?" she asked. He shook his head.

"No, no—why would you do that?"

"Do you not wish to talk with the commander?"

"She is up awfully late, isn't she…" It was more a statement than a question.

"Indeed, Jeff, it is very late," EDI replied. He gave it fifteen seconds of genuine thought and then got up.

"Okay, but just for a minute," he muttered, making his way out of the cockpit and across the CIC. The two doors in his way hissed open and he saw her standing there. He crossed his arms and grinned when she glanced up at him from the far side of the lab.

"Commander," he nodded in her direction. "Avoiding your bed again?"

"Planet scanning," she replied.

"Ugh… that'll you put to sleep."

"That's the idea." She grinned. "What brings you to tech?"

He felt a little mushy inside at her smile but nothing about his expression gave it away. He casually began punching buttons at the research terminal, hiding the butterflies behind a nonchalant shrug. He couldn't possibly tell her it was because he knew she was there and wanted to see her—alone.

"I had some ideas so I thought I'd key in the research," he said. She must've accepted that because she didn't say anything else. He glanced at her as he worked but she seemed focused on the scanner in front of her. The fact that she was there meant he couldn't take his eyes off of her. He kept forgetting what he was typing, lost in questions like, _is she looking at me?_ and _I should say something… damn it, what though?_ When he found himself actually type one of his mental curiosities, he knew he wasn't going to get anything accomplished at the terminal.

Joker forced a yawn and stretched, coolly walking toward her. He took her in fully in just a matter of seconds, remembering why he felt so squirmy whenever she was around.

"How's it going?" he asked, pretending to be interested in her activity rather than her.

"Boring."

"What, you don't like probing for treasure?" he asked, hinting at something else. She shifted her weight from one hip to the next and leaned against the console. He loved the way she moved; the simplest of motions looked powerful and sexy.

"That's just it," she began. "Do you ever feel like this is wrong—taking advantage of another planet?"

"It's not taking advantage if they want it," he replied. She furrowed one brow, wondering if there was innuendo in his words. _Bingo._ "C'mon, you drop the probe on the site, a dig is organized, jobs are created, resources are gathered, and you get a little of the payload for your part in starting it all. How is that not a good thing for everyone involved?"

Joker noticed the scanner grid was spiking but Shepard was too busy listening to his bullshit speech. He walked closer.

"Besides," he continued, leaning around her, "we do have _needs_, Commander…" Their eyes connected for one serious moment and then he pushed the button.

"Launching probe," EDI announced.

The scanner went back to sweeping the planet and Joker stepped to the side to give Shepard some space. He copied her stance against the console and waited for her response. There was a twinge in her lips, as though she were trying not to smile.

"This isn't exactly legal…" she reminded him. Joker scoffed.

"The Alliance had regs, sure, but this isn't the Alliance. No hands tied, y'know, unless you like that way…"

She almost laughed.

"There's still System regulations."

"Forget that Council, inter-sector bull. We're the ones out here, not them."

"True," Shepard agreed, turning her body away from his to watch the scanner. "We're so far out in the black, we have to make do with what we can get."

"Well yeah, but… sometimes it's exactly what we want." Joker narrowed his gaze on her. "What we need, even."

Shepard lifted her glaucous blue gaze to the purple energy whipping outside the window. She was thinking about what he'd said—it was written all over her face. When her head finally turned toward his, she looked confused.

"…did we just…?" But she couldn't find the words to finish. _Oh yes we did._

"Just what?" he feigned innocence. She took a moment to find her next words.

"That was about planet scanning… right?" she asked. _Not even a little bit,_ he thought.

"What else would it be about, Commander?" He gave her look like she might be crazy, which got a small laugh out of her.

Joker soaked up her presence in the silence, suddenly not as afraid of it as he normally was. He'd broken the code by falling for her—the code that said, "don't be a sucker for what everyone else is drooling over_._" And everyone else _was_ drooling over her. Kaidan had fallen for her the moment he saw her. It took Liara _two_ moments to start swooning. Then the new Normandy came about, and the crazy crew she accrued started the cycle all over again. The over-eager admiration Garrus had held for her suddenly swelled into heart-throbbing love and Thane's inner-romantic practically jumped her leg every time she walked by—not literally, of course, but Joker could see it in the drell's giant, black eyes.

Luckily, she'd yet to fall for any of it. Why? He never knew. He made himself believe he didn't want to know. It took her dying to realize how stupid he'd been. How could he not fall for her? She was… inherently good. Good at its absolute finest. And she wasn't just _human_ good; she was all-species good. He wanted to be there for her…

With his Vrolik's, however, he wasn't exactly a knight in shining armor. He couldn't run into combat with his back to hers or tackle her beyond a bullet's reach. However, he'd done his share of swooping in to save the day with the Normandy. And if doors didn't open themselves, he would've opened a door or two for her; good intentions counted, right?

When Shepard was suddenly looking at him, Joker realized he'd been inside his head too long and he scrambled for something to say.

"Something wrong, Joker?" she asked. _Pick a topic, any topic._ He scoured her body for something to mention.

"I was just thinking how long your hair's gotten," he muttered casually. Her eyebrows pinned back in surprise, at first, and then those blue orbs she possessed drifted into her mind as she actually considered what he'd said.

"I guess you're right," she agreed, fiddling with the ends. "It has gotten long. I'm told my hair started growing the moment I had independent cell generation. It's been growing ever since."

"Don't you want to cut it?"

"Why?" she snapped. "Do you really miss the old me so much? If I look like I did back then, you'll feel more comfortable?"

"What?" he exclaimed, frowning. "That's bull, Commander. I just thought you kept it short in the old days for a reason, that's all." He punched his words, upset that she could so horribly misconstrue a simple question. "You want my opinion? Keep it long. It's much sexier long." He mentally kicked himself in the head. "You know," he added, "f-for a CO."

"Sorry," she sighed. "I just keep getting these sad looks and sympathetic questions from everyone I used to know. It's like they want to believe it's me, but can't… It's like they're waiting for the old me to appear, or maybe I died for good in their eyes and the new Shepard is just a fake."

Joker closed the distance between them.

"Look, I can't speak for the others, but there was never an old Shepard and a new Shepard. There's just Shepard, and, you know, you've practically reached god-dom, so I don't know why anyone was surprised when you came back from the dead…" He saw the amusement in her eyes from his joke and was pleased. "I mean, fake Shepard? That's kind of stretching it; it's not like you can really be copied. You can't be copied. Verner tried, remember? I mean… you're one of a kind, Shepard…"

Shepard's gaze bounced between his eyes for a few beats and her cheeks flushed soft red. Score one for team Joker. _Remember this day, Shepard, because today… victory is mine._

"We're you always this tall, Joker?" she asked quietly. _Wait, what?_ He grinned and leaned a little closer.

"Got a little used to looking down on me, did you?" His voice was quieter, huskier, but no less amused than normal.

"_At_," she corrected. "_At_ you."

"Sure." He shrugged, still grinning. "I know you soldier types have some sort of high horse you ride around on, but just remember who pulls your ass out of the fire." He reached up to push her hair from her face. The side of his thumb brushed her cheek and she flinched away from him. He'd felt the scars from her reconstruction. _Shit,_ he cursed. "Sorry."

"Its fine," she said quickly, turning back to the scanner.

"Do they hurt?"

"…A little," she admitted. "Only when I touch them. Dr. Chakwas said they should heal over time. Positive actions and emotions are supposed to help…" She smiled awkwardly when she flicked her eyes at him. "I'm not really sure how that works."

_I don't know, either,_ he thought, _but I have some ideas._ He bent over onto the table and shifted his weight to his forearms, his green eyes glazing over as he escaped into his mind. He was exhausted, but he didn't want to leave. It wasn't often he got to spend time with Shepard alone and he wanted to take advantage of every second of it.

"Joker?" Shepard prompted him from his thoughts. "You should get some sleep. You look like hell."

"Thanks for that, not like I don't already have image issues." He smirked at her.

"I didn't mean it—"

"Chill, Commander, it was a joke." As he yawned, he mumbled, "I'm not ready to go to sleep."

She crossed her arms and perked one brow.

"Uh huh…"

He stood up and stretched, trying anything to keep himself awake. He really didn't want to go to sleep, and her trying to force him for his own good only made him feel worse about resisting.

"Joker, I need you in top condition. EDI can handle the Normandy while you get a few hours."

"Thanks, but I'm good. I swear."

"I'm serious, Joker."

"I am, too. I'm fine. I can handle whatever gets thrown our way." He was growing more agitated. Why did she have to keep insisting?

"There's nothing waiting for us, just go—"

"I don't want to go to sleep!" he exclaimed, throwing his hands up in frustration. Shepard narrowed her gaze on him and took a few beats to process his outburst.

"What's the problem, Joker?" she asked cautiously. "Why are you resisting so hard?"

He rubbed his eyes and sighed, then lifted up his hat just enough to run a hand through his hair. He secured the cap back on his head. When he answered, he refused to look at her.

"I have nightmares…" he muttered.

"Nightmares? About what?"

"About you," he snapped, pressing his hands to the table to support his weight, head hung. "About losing you and the Normandy…"

Shepard flinched responsibly and inched toward him.

"I'm sorry…"

"No, I need to say this." He said firmly, still refusing her eye contact. "I thought… I thought I could save her. I couldn't lose her, she was my girl! The idea of it just… but when you were torn away from the pod, I thought my heart was going to stop."

Shepard reached out to touch him. Her fingertips pressed to his back and he flinched; she slid her palm across his shoulder blade and rested it there comfortingly.

"I see it every time I go to sleep—for two years now and it just won't stop. I keep trying to save you, but you're always too far out of reach…." He squinted his eyes shut and pinched the bridge of his nose. "I killed you. I wouldn't abandon the Normandy and I killed you—"

"Listen to me!" she interrupted him, pushing at his shoulder to turn him to face her. "I don't want to hear you say it ever again. The Collectors killed me—they are the ones to hold responsible. You? You saved me. You've saved me countless times, with your life on the line. You've always been there to pull me out of the fire—"

He grabbed her shoulders.

"Don't do that. Don't try to make me feel better."

"I'm not," she hissed. "Have you ever known me to do that?"

"Shepard, please… I need you to forgive me. I need to hear you say it out loud."

"For what?" she balked, searching his green gaze. "For saving me? For being there when no one else was?" She pulled out of his grasp and walked to the window to overlook the mass effect core. "I was scared…" she confessed as he stared awkwardly, confused. "I woke up from a bad dream in the middle of a firefight. Mechs storming the space station, an unfamiliar voice guiding me like she knew me, and faces of people I didn't know all crying, Shepard, Commander, save us."

Joker drew closer.

"I was in the hands of Cerberus—known enemy. I'd been dead for two years. My crew, my ship—all gone. The galaxy on the verge of another crisis and they wanted to send me to stop it. I wasn't even sure what my life had become—what the world was like—and they wanted to ship me off to battle. I—I was scared."

Shepard chewed the inside of her lip, brows creased in distress as she recalled her feelings that day.

"God, when I saw your face," Shepard continued, breathless a moment. "You _anchored_ me when—" but she couldn't finish the statement. "I was terrified—I was alone, but there you were… smiling… and I was so relieved. I don't think I could've made it this far without you."

Joker fantasized about touching her right then—about grabbing her shoulders, wrapping his arms around her, and hugging her close. Her words caused his heart to thump crazily; a little bit more blood rushing to his head and he was sure he'd have the courage to tell her how he really felt.

"Even though it was just me?" he asked huskily, "and not the rest of the old crew?"

She half-turned and smiled.

"I didn't need anyone else," she replied, and he was positive he'd reached maximum capacity.

"You know, Commander," he started, voice wavering with lingering insecurities, but she interrupted him.

"Promise me you won't ever say anything like that again," she said. "What happened to me… the only one responsible for that is the Collectors."

He nodded.

"Yes, ma'am," he replied.

"Is it weird that I think of you as my best friend?" she asked hesitantly with a limbo-lost smile.

"Probably." He shrugged. "But you're mine, so guess that makes us even."

There was an awkward silence as Shepard went back to the planet scanner and he lost his nerve to confess. He rubbed the back of his neck, waiting for his brain to tell him what to say or do, but she happily intervened.

"Enough of this," she muttered, switching off the scanner. "Come on, let's get to bed."

"Aye, aye, Commander," he said happily, eagerly following her out of the tech lab and into the CIC. Once inside the elevator, Shepard punched level one, but Joker did not push the button for level three. "What?" was his response to her penetrating expression as the elevator began moving.

"I didn't mean together."

"What?" he blurted. "Commander, that's outrageous. How could you think I was even considering something so outlandish and extreme? I was merely escorting you to your door like a gentleman."

The doors opened up to her floor and she stepped out.

"Yeah, that sounds like you…" she muttered sarcastically. With a glance over her shoulder, she added, "Let me know if those dreams give you anymore problems."

He leaned back against the wall and crossed his arms over his chest.

"Why, Ms. Fix-It? You already stopped me from blaming myself. I don't see many other alternate solutions."

"I'll find a way…" she retorted with a grin.

"Right, Commander Shepard: the galactic problem solver."

"How about Saia Shepard: a friend?"

"Yeah… I can handle that," he replied quietly. She opened her door and disappeared inside.

"Good. Night, Joker," she called as the doors closed.

Joker exhaled a long-held breath, punched the button, and rode the elevator to the crew deck. He didn't even consider using a sleeper pod; he hadn't been able to confine himself in something so small since the Normandy blew and he was trapped in a pod watching Shepard get spaced. He went into the crew quarters, fumbling around in the dark, and found an empty bunk. He rolled into it without changing and buried his face under his hat.

Shepard had reminded him of something important. She was breakable. It would take a lot to break her, but it could still be done. She wasn't as invulnerable as everyone thought—as he'd thought. Sure, he saw her get spaced… but she came back from that adventure like she'd just gone on vacation. Sucking vacuum into the lungs and reentering planetary atmosphere were definitely on the list of things that destroyed a person. Shepard? She came out of it with a few scars and more pissed off than before.

But she almost cried when she told him he saved her. There was a part of her that was fragile, an Achilles' heel. She was breakable… just like him. And he would have to be careful with her.

"I'm so crazy about you," he whispered into the dark. He wanted to tell her to her face so badly, but he was afraid she'd only smile and thank him for his feelings then walk away.

"I appreciate the sentiment, Joker," Kelly replied from the bunk above him. Startled, he jerked his hat away from his face and saw the yeoman's head peeking over the side of her bed at him.

"Not you," he snapped and she giggled.

"Obviously. Who?"

"No one," he muttered, rolling over and putting his back to her.

"That's too bad. If you told me, I might be able to provide you with advice on how to proceed with your feelings. After all, it's my job to understand the emotions aboard this ship."

Joker stared into the darkness, honestly considering her proposal. After a moment, he pulled his hat back over his eyes.

"Just go to sleep," he mumbled. A few seconds later, he heard the yeoman retreat back into her covers.


	4. Her Little Black Dress

"Hold still, Shepard!" Kasumi giggled, trying her best to wrap her commander's eyes in black liner.

"I can't, it feels weird," Shepard complained. The two girls were sitting on the floor in the port observation lounge, sipping drinks while the master thief turned the hardened soldier into a lady.

"You're going to look like a raccoon and blow this whole op with all that blinking. You have the self-control of a stone behind a sniper's scope," Kasumi reminded her, pausing her make-up application. "Can I get some of that now, please?"

Shepard took a deep breath and closed her eyes. "Okay… Go."

Kasumi leaned in and began working again, quickly covering up the mistakes from Shepard's twitching. She finished with the eyeliner and plugged the cap, snagged a sip from her red-colored cocktail, and then picked up the eye shadow compact. As the master thief prepared her brush, Shepard hijacked her drink and took a swig.

"You're going to be a knock-out tonight," Kasumi teased. "I'd be surprised if Morinth doesn't try to take you right there in the middle of the club."

"I just hope she buys it. We did some detective work and discovered she's into Hallex, some vid called Vaenia, and an elcor artist named Forta. I have no idea about any of those things—except that Hallex is a drug, but I can't attest to its effects."

"I doubt you'll need to," Kasumi said. "You just have to go in there and be Shepard, just like Samara said. Nature will take care of the rest."

A single brow dipped down, causing Kasumi to chuckle.

"Don't give me that look," she warned as she spread the eye shadow, creating a smoky effect. "Even with your eyes closed, I know what your face is trying to say."

Kasumi finished up the eyes, touched up the powder flakes around her cheeks, and snapped the case closed.

"You have such nice skin; I don't even need to do anything else. I'd attempt to cover the scars—they're so faint now—but Morinth will probably find them intriguing."

"Good for something, at least," Shepard remarked as she checked herself out in the mirror. "Wow," she stammered, brows pinned back in surprise. "I barely recognize me."

"You clean up nicely. As I said before, you should dress this way more often. I can't wait to see everyone's faces when you go strolling through the CIC."

"Yeah, I'm hoping to avoid that. I don't need anyone seeing me like this—no one who doesn't have to." She stood up and smoothed the black dress Kasumi had bought her for her role as Allison Gunn.

"Not even Joker?" she asked with a jingle in her tone. Shepard tried to hide the blush that immediately rushed into her cheeks.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Oh please," Kasumi balked, snatching up her drink as she got to her feet. "You're insulting me if you think I haven't noticed…"

"Noticed what?"

"Still playing dumb, are we?" She tucked one delicate hand in the crook of her arm, the other holding the drink near her lips. "Alright, I'll be blunt. Your first stop after every mission—aside from mine on Bekenstein, but only long enough to change—is the cockpit to check in with Joker. You make a habit of getting to know your crew, true, but it's only with Joker that you smile and laugh so wholeheartedly. Your eyes—what's a good way to say it—_sparkle_ whenever you look at him."

"I _sparkle_?" Shepard cringed and her face told Kasumi she was horrified—at being so obvious or at the idea of sparkling at all, the master thief wasn't entirely clear.

"And the other night in the lab?" she continued, tone dipping into a purr. "Mmm… A woman only looks at a man like that when she wants a taste. I know, because I look at Jacob the same way."

"How did you—"

"I came up to chat, but decided to keep out of sight when I saw you had company." She grinned. "The way he looks at you… I think he wants way more than a taste."

Shepard shook her head vigorously, trying to dislodge the images from her head.

"I can't think about this. I have to focus," Shepard insisted, still blushing furiously. Kasumi laughed, took a last sip of her drink before setting it on the nearest table, and crossed over to her commander.

"You'll do fine. You always separate your personal life form your professional when it comes down to business. And there's nothing wrong with a little girl chat…" She ran her fingers through Shepard's auburn red hair. "I'll be able to do something really nice with this length. Up or down?"

"Down," Shepard replied quietly, still thinking about the thief's implications. She remembered Joker saying her hair was sexy long. "Up! Up!" she exclaimed. "Put it up."

Kasumi directed her to the couch and gently pushed her into a sit. From behind it, she began brushing out the thick strands, considering all of the styles she could do. Shepard lightly chewed one of her nails, still inside of her head with everything that had been said.

"D-down," Shepard changed her mind again. "Leave it down."

Kasumi bent over to whisper in her ear.

"Because it's _sexy_?" she asked, and Shepard burned an even brighter shade of red.

"Well… this mission is important to Samara," she stammered. "We should do everything to make it a success."

"Sure," Kasumi agreed, taking up the curling iron. "Take my advice, though. Stop by the cockpit on your way back." And then she went to work styling the red-head's thick hair.

/

When they returned to the Normandy, Samara went straight to her room without a word, and Shepard expected no less. It had been hard for her to take her own daughter's life, in spite of the necessity of the deed and the horror of Morinth's crimes.

Shepard rolled her head on her neck and took a moment to stretch the muscles in her shoulders. It had been a long time since she'd worn heels, and maintaining posture was giving her back a private piece of hell. It was weird that battle armor, a barrage of weapons strapped to her back, and the stress of combat was like a walk in the park, but a dress and heels made her body feel desperate for a hot bath.

As Shepard moved out of the airlock, she prepared to sneak down the bridge and to the elevator. Kasumi's voice popped into her head, however, and she found herself paused in an indecisive struggle. Sure, she could stop in to check on Joker. That wouldn't be abnormal… So what if she was dressed up? It had been a mission, just like any other.

But she was nervous. What would his reaction be? Would it be bad? Would he make fun of her? _I think he wants way more than a taste,_ Kasumi's voice echoed in her mind. Shepard closed her eyes and commanded the butterflies out of her stomach—or, at the very least, to calm the hell down. When she felt more relaxed, she took a deep breath and marched out of the airlock.

He must've heard her coming, because he immediately started talking the second she hit the cockpit.

"I'm glad things worked out, Commander," he began, punching a few buttons on the flight console. His chair started to rotate toward her. "I was worried you'd dump Samara for some crazy soul-sucker with death fetish, all lithe and—" his mouth dropped when he saw her, "—and… sexy…" he stammered quietly.

"Just your type, huh?" Shepard asked, quirking one slender brow. He was still dumbfounded.

"What?"

"I just had a date with an asari who wanted to have sex with me and kill me at the same time, and you're telling me you're into that?" she teased, turning and making her way down the bridge.

"No, I… hold on, Commander!" he exclaimed, climbing out of his chair as fast as he possibly could. "Take the helm for a sec, EDI," he ordered, shuffling after his CO.

Shepard kept her head down so her hair would hide her excited smile. He was chasing her. How far would he follow? And where was she going? She'd meant to go up to her room and change, but he wouldn't follow her up there. He couldn't… _Would he?_ she wondered. _Will he? Will I let him? Should I let him?_ Back to square one.

Shepard clicked across the CIC, headed for the elevator. _Now or never,_ she told herself. _You need to make a decision… Up or down? And if you go down… What are you going to do? Hell, if you go up, what are you going to do? Plan. You need a plan. A good soldier never goes into battle without a plan._

Kasumi's words invaded her mind again. Butterflies fluttered in her stomach. For the first time in ages, Commander Saia Shepard was marching into the unknown without a plan.


	5. Tell Me You Don't

Joker wasn't about to let her get away from him. _Holy shit!_ She was gorgeous. He'd never seen her like that before, so he followed her into the elevator.

"I mean, sex on the edge is always a big turn-on, but the death thing is a total turn-off," he explained like it was serious stuff. _Anything to keep talking to her…_ "Glad you're okay, although crushed you aren't seducible."

The elevator doors closed, shutting them up in that small space together. Alone.

"What makes you think I can't be seduced?" she asked. He took a step toward her.

"Well, c'mon, if an Ardat-Yakshi can't do it, who can?"

Her brows pinned back in surprise.

"Generally, my first reaction to something that wants to kill me is to kill it first," she reminded him.

"Oh, right," he mumbled, nodding and still coming closer. "Where to, Commander?" he asked quietly, stopping inches from her to hover his hand over the call pad.

"Three inch heels and you're still taller than me," she mumbled, provoking his lips into a grin.

"The floor, Commander?"

"One," she replied, and he punched it in then stepped back. The elevator immediately began rumbling to the loft.

"How'd you do it?" he asked.

"Do what?"

"Resist."

She smirked, but made it clear she wasn't telling. He sighed. The elevator doors opened up and he followed her through her bedroom door. The fish tank surprised him a little, and he took a moment to admire the colorful, darting creatures while she stomped across the bedroom and dug through her wardrobe for a change of clothes.

The squeak of the hamster drew his gaze toward her desk, where he smiled at the collection of model ships displayed above her terminal.

"God, you're so,"—_fucking adorable_—"not the badass you pretend to be," he told her. She flashed an alluring expression from below so he made his way down the couple of steps to the main floor.

"I can't have hobbies?" she asked. "I like ships…" _Okay, that sounded flirtatious._

"Alright, ships," he agreed. "Fish? Hamsters? What's next? A bunny? Should I get you a bunny?"

The punch to his arm was like an ultra-light tap; she was careful with him, scared to hurt him. He liked that she still thought of his well-being even when distracted. She knew he was breakable. What she didn't know was that he knew she was breakable, too.

"Hey, about your nightmares… Have they stopped?"

He shook his head, masking how much of a struggle it still was with a shrug and a nonchalant reply.

"Not really."

She nodded and started to move toward the bathroom to change.

He couldn't stop his eyes from lingering on the curves of her waist and hips hugged by the leather material, at the slit of her low cut dress that showed off her perfectly shaped breasts. He imagined hiking her dress up to her waist and throwing her against the fish tank. He'd pick her up, she'd wrap her legs around him, and he'd bury himself inside of her. He imagined she'd pull his face down into her breasts, all mashed together thanks to her dress. _Stop, you're giving yourself an erection._

"Where did you even get that dress?" he asked, forcing her to turn around. He wasn't ready to see it go.

"Kasumi," she replied. "It was for a mission on Bekenstein."

"She's got good taste. How come you don't whip that out more often?"

"You really think I could command the attention and respect of the crew dressed like this?" She motioned over her figure and he interpreted it as permission to openly check her out, so he did.

"You have my full attention," he told her seductively, and then shifted his tone to a playful one and added, "I mean, so what the entire crew will be looking up your skirt when you're at the galaxy map. You'll have their attention. Especially Kelly," he said. "Kelly has a real hard on for you."

Shepard looked as though he'd just told her that her grandmother was a lesbian; not disgusted, just completely shocked.

"She… what?" she stammered. Joker laughed and walked over to her. He took a seat on the end of the couch near where she stood. His legs were feeling wobbly after being on them for so long.

"She likes you," he clarified. "I don't mean in the let's-do-our-nails-and-chat-about-boys kind of way. More like, let's-do-each-other-and-our-nails-when-we're-done."

Shepard pursed her lips in thought, clearly uncomfortable with this idea.

"Kelly has a lot of… _feelings_," Shepard finally said. "If you had talked to her about anyone else on the crew, you'd probably get the same impression."

Joker grinned and feigned surprise.

"I'll keep that in mind," he said and intercepted a dark flicker across her face. _Jealousy?_ he wondered. He wanted to think it was jealousy. "It's a _joke_, Commander," he clarified.

"Sure, and when I can't find you, I'll know you're _joking_ in the engine room," she teased as she turned around and made her way to the bathroom. Joker followed.

"I have the cockpit. What do I need the engine room for? Too much trouble to get down there, and the seating isn't nearly as comfortable as my chair."

She whirled around to face him and he nearly bowled her over. There was a serious glint in her eyes that time.

"I'm serious, Joker. Do not seal the bridge."

"I'm just yanking your chain, Commander. You're forgetting I'm not much of a people person. I try not to talk to anyone more than necessary—especially Kelly. She doesn't know how to stop talking."

"You talk to me."

"Well, yeah," he shrugged, "but you're the only one."

She rolled her eyes and went into the bathroom. Joker lightly leaned forward and placed his hand and cheek to the door. It was just a thin, metal sheet, but it seemed light-years thick. He closed his eyes and imagined, for a moment, that he could be in there with her—just to hold her, hold her at her most vulnerable. He pushed away and pretended to be interested in other things—her ships, the hamster, the medals she'd won—so as not to be caught leering when she came out.

A photo on her desk flickered out of black when he got close to it. It was taken after Sovereign's defeat on the Citadel. The old Normandy crew was beaming up at him, all collected in the cockpit. He was in the center in his chair. Shepard was leaning into him with her arm across his shoulders. Wrex stood on her other side, enveloped by her other arm; they'd been close. Garrus crouched in front of them, leaning on his sniper rifle for support. Kaidan stood behind Joker's chair, one arm on the back of it and the other around Shepard. Tali and Liara were on his other side; Tali had Liara's neck in the crook of her arm, and Liara was laughing happily.

They all wore the scars of battle proudly—smudged with black dust and blood, armor dinged up, but smiling.

The door behind him opened up and Shepard caught him staring at the memory.

"I didn't know you had this," he said quietly. She nodded and laid her dress on the desk, dropped the heels on the floor.

He glanced over at her and noted she'd changed into a white tank top and black cargos. Her dog tags hung around her neck.

"We made a good team, didn't we?" he said with a smile. She nodded and eyed the photo fondly.

"I miss them," she whispered. "A lot. I miss those days." She shuffled away from him. "Even though I have half of that crew back—and I've seen the rest—nothing feels the same. Kaidan hates me. Garrus is jaded, Tali's suspicious, and Liara looks at me like I'm still dead. Wrex was the only one happy to see me." She turned ninety degrees and met his gaze. "He actually _smiled_, came at me, hugged me. Weird, huh?"

She'd said weird, but she was smiling. She was happy that someone had received her return warmly. He only wished he hadn't played it so cool when they were reunited and had welcomed her back from the dead with open arms. Unlike Wrex, he'd had time to prepare. Cerberus had told him nearly a year in advance that she was being revived.

"You've made _new_ friends," he reminded her. She leaned back against the fish tank and blew out a sigh. He stepped closer and leaned against the support beam at the right of the steps. "Aren't you and Kasumi all "sisterhood"? Hell, Grunt picked up right where Wrex left off. Jack—you take Jack everywhere. Sure, she's a powerful biotic—one that you tamed. Don't let me forget Mordin. Mordin _sings_ for you."

"Don't get me wrong, Joker. I value their friendship as much as their contribution to my crew. That doesn't mean they can replace anyone from my old life." Her jaw clenched several times, teeth grinding out the tension her thoughts were producing.

Joker frowned. He'd never meant for it to get this serious. He was enjoying the shameless flirting and ogling her in that sexy, black dress. Now she stared at the floor with such sad eyes, it made his heart hurt. He pushed off the beam and walked over to her.

"They know that, Shepard," he said quietly. "What you don't seem to get is that you're irreplaceable, too. Two years was a long time to grieve, and the grieving never really stops. Trust me. I know." He tried to smile for her. "They know you're back. The heart needs convincing it's worth the risk of losing you again. They remember how much it hurt the first time."

"You didn't need time," she reminded him. He gave her a boyish grin, guilty as charged.

"Yeah, well, I had help. Cerberus told me they were reviving you a year before you woke up. By then, the reports that you were alive were stable, and it was just a matter of returning you to the woman you could be. Miranda would say, "we're far from successful, Joker," but I always knew they couldn't change you. You'd come back the same woman you always were."

When she blushed, he knew it was coming—the line that, once crossed, could not be uncrossed. The point of no return.

"For someone who doesn't like people, you do a good job with us," she told him.

"C'mon, don't say that. I've worked so hard to be this bitter and cynical."

His jesting was interrupted when Shepard cleared her throat and stuttered out whatever thought she was choking on.

"Joker, you're an essential part of the team," she stammered—not because it was hard for her to admit, but because she was embarrassed; he could tell by the way she wouldn't look at him. "The shore party is useless without the Normandy's support above, and if you weren't there waiting for us, we'd be long-since dead. I've _never_ looked down on you." She finally made eye contact. "If anything, this," she motioned to his height over her, "is closer to the truth, because when I'm down there, I'm always looking up for you."

He smirked softly, remembering their conversation weeks ago. The fact that she'd been thinking about it all this time was incredibly cute.

"Hey, you don't need to reassure me, CO. I already signed up, remember?"

"Yeah," she exhaled the word with a deep breath. "I just thought you should know. I don't have to stroke your ego like the rest of my crew—constantly validating their value to the team."

_Forget the ego. I'm hoping you'll stroke something else._

"You do everything you do without praise or complaint—not real ones," she continued. "I appreciate it. A lot. So… I'm trying to say thanks and that you're an invaluable member of my crew."

He raised one of his brows, amused. She rolled her eyes.

"Ugh, I didn't mean it to sound like a speech. That's not right…" She pinched the bridge of her nose and thought a moment.

Joker watched her utterly amused. He'd never seen her have so much trouble being honest. Normally, she blurted out what she thought and it sounded both sincere and inspiring. She could rally anyone to her side and make them feel irreplaceable—and she meant every word. Yet, somehow, she was having trouble complimenting him. It was cute.

"Geez, it's that hard to praise me, huh?" he teased, feigning offense by shrinking away from her. "Don't strain yourself or anything."

Shepard suddenly reached for him and pulled him into a hug, shocking him into silence. Her body pressed to his—head on his shoulders, chest mashed to his—felt so incredibly warm and comforting.

"Shepard?" he asked quietly, sure she'd hear the nervousness in his voice. After a moment, she leaned back.

"Thank you," she said and then kissed his cheek.

As she leaned away, his body instinctively leaned down and he brushed his lips to hers. It was quick and soft, but it had happened. They both stood there, speechless, mixing unsure breaths in their close proximity.

"Sorry," he whispered huskily. "I, uh," but he had nothing else to say; his mind was blank. He bent down and kissed her one more time. His lips pressed against her mouth and he directed a deeper movement, still soft.

Joker checked her expression again for some sort of clue as to how she was feeling. Was she angry? Was she happy? Could he keep going or did she want him to leave? Nothing about her face gave it away; she merely stared at him with emotional blueberry eyes—eyes that he believed were telling him he wasn't out of line.

Joker put his arms around her, pulled her into him and gripped the back of her neck. Before he could kiss her again, however, she pressed her hands to his chest.

"Do you really want to do this?" she asked quietly.

"Tell me you don't…" he whispered back. Shepard didn't say anything at all, which he took as a good sign. When he leaned in to kiss her, she returned it.

Their lips moved together in slow, explorative motions until they became more comfortable with the idea of what they were actually doing. As for Joker, he was overwhelmed. Never in a million years did he think he'd actually get the girl, but she was there, in his arms, kissing him. It was true that, at that point, it wasn't really confirmed what their make-out session would mean, but they had plenty of time to work that out once they were able to unglue from one another.

"Mr. Moreau," EDI interrupted them, startling their lips apart. "We're approaching the mass relay."

Joker stared at his commander in disbelief. This couldn't be happening. He hoped that if he stayed silent long enough, EDI would leave them alone.

"Mr. Moreau," she beckoned again.

"I heard ya," he snapped. "Be there in a minute."

EDI's blue orb vanished and left them to stare awkwardly at one another as they tried to get their breathing under control.

"I, uh," he mumbled, desperate for something to say. He wanted to know that they could continue this later, but didn't know how to ask. "Was… this okay?"

She gave a small nod.

"Okay… Okay, I'll just… hit the mass relay," he said and turned around to go.

"Jeff," Shepard called, reaching out for his arm. She pulled him against her and kissed him harder, hungrier. He pushed her into the glass, reservations released. Their lips and tongues danced together, passion and heat rising between them for a brief moment, and then it was over.

"I have to go," he said bitterly. "The relay won't jump itself."

"It's late," she agreed.

"Yeah…"

"So… come back…"

He was surprised and it read plainly on his face.

"Are you sure?" he stammered and she nodded.

"Jeff," EDI insisted. Joker grunted.

"I'm coming!" he snapped. He thought about kissing Shepard one more time, but knew he'd get distracted and wouldn't be able to leave and they'd probably wind up burning up in the mass effect core of the relay. "I'll be back," he promised and left.


	6. Flyboy vs Yeoman

Shepard watched him go with a fast-beating heart. When was it that she had gone from respecting him and caring for him to wanting him so badly? When the door closed, her head thumped back against the glass tank and she exhaled a held breath.

"Wow…" she muttered to the silence and her hamster squeaked. "I didn't plan on that," she told the small creature. "I didn't. But…" She found herself smiling a little.

Shepard brushed her hair out of her face and tried to find something to do, but her mind was focused on later. She sat down at her desk and checked her terminal for messages but there was nothing in the inbox. She got up and fed her fish. She put her dress and heels in the closet and then stood there. The silence pressed in and her nervous energy propelled her onto the bed.

The universe outside of the window looked peaceful. She turned out the lights and snuggled up against her pillow, focusing on the purple energy whipping by her window and the starry black beyond the haze. It reminded her of dying… and of being reborn.

In the crazy scheme of things, going down with the Normandy had given her peculiar perspective. Her whole life had been about her career—not driven by it, no. But she'd certainly lived the life. When was the last time she'd stared at space and felt in awe? She was born in space, after all—an Alliance brat from day one. The first day she hopped ships, out from under her parents' wing, she stared at their ship disappearing into the distance and was surprised when she was suddenly surrounded by space. It was… magnificent.

Shepard snuggled closer to her pillow, waiting nervously for Joker to come back. Suddenly, she didn't feel so alone. Not that she'd ever felt alone against the universe; she knew she had people who supported her, followed her, trusted her—a crew that believed in the cause. She had friends, even. Her parents loved her, too; their learn-by-experience mentality could seem cold, but it helped shape her into the survivor she was.

Joker? Joker was different. She couldn't explain it. He made her feel… different. He made her feel like an equal.

"What does that even mean?" she asked herself, eyes drifting closed.

Shepard didn't feel equal to something specific, just… equal. Warm. Safe. She never knew another human being—well, any species, she assumed—could make a person feel that way—as though coming back from a suicide mission might really be plausible.

_You make me feel…_ She stopped before she finished the thought, thinking it was okay to leave it as it was.

/

When Joker stood outside of Shepard's door, the whole ship quiet with the night, he swallowed nervously. What would happen when he went inside? Could he even get inside? He tapped the green holo and the door made a ksh-krsh sound as it opened. _Phew…_

He slowly walked into the room, wondering why all the lights were out sans the glow from the tank.

"Shepard?" he called hesitantly. Nothing. He moved further in. "Shepard?"

Her sleeping form on the bed put a pause in his steps and he thought about leaving before he woke her up. Then he decided that he couldn't miss it, and justified his reasoning by reminding himself that she'd invited him there.

Joker crept up to the bedside and admired her for a moment. He even reached down and brushed the side of her face.

"You're beautiful…" he whispered. He pushed her hair from her face and she shifted a little, so he took it as a cue to go. When he tried to leave, however, she reached up and lazily hooked her fingers into his palm.

"Wait," she muttered sleepily. "Don't go."

_Is this really happening?_ he asked as he stared over his shoulder at her. Was she really inviting him to spend the night with her? Joker crawled onto the bed and waited for what would come next. She immediately scooted closer and nuzzled her head against his sturdy chest. There was nothing said.

Joker sunk into the sheets and listened to the sound of her breathing. His eyelids drifted closed and the truth of his exhaustion hit him suddenly. He put an arm around her and tugged her close, just in case he'd already fallen asleep and this was just a dream. He wondered at his own hesitancy. He'd been after this for quite some time, and yet he was cautiously approaching her, waiting for her approval.

_I kissed her…_ he thought. _I didn't wait for her approval then._ It was a weak moment, he decided. Some sad part of him—some part of him that still thought of himself as a cripple—was terrified of her rejection. She was right. He was the one with the problem. When he was younger, men teased him and women were disgusted by him. But he knew better than to expect the Normandy to be a part of that. And he knew for sure that Shepard was of a far higher caliber than those other women.

The sting of his past suddenly didn't hurt as much with Shepard in his arms. There was no one left to impress. If she approved of him, that's all he really cared about.

Joker ignored that bruised part of his heart that reminded him he had Vrolik's and turned into the woman in his arms, pulling her close. He wanted to kiss her but he was so tired, his brain couldn't comprehend anymore movement. He felt sluggish…

And then he fell asleep.

/

When Joker opened his eyes, Shepard smiled at him. She was propped up on one arm, legs curled into her body, waiting for him to wake.

"Morning," she said. He looked around with, at first, a confused expression. Then she guessed he'd remembered what had happened because his face softened and he propped himself up on his elbows.

"Morning…" He was hesitant. "Uh…m…" But he didn't have anything else to say.

"How did you sleep?"

"Fine… Good."

"And your nightmares?" she asked, hopeful. He frowned for a moment and then looked relieved. Her heart pounded, desperate to hear good news.

"I… didn't have any…" he told her, shocked. She smiled, relieved. "What did you do?"

"Nothing," she admitted. He reached out and stroked her cheek and his warm hand on her skin felt nice. Seductive. She was melting into his touch before she even realized it.

"I guess all I needed was to have you near me."

Her heart fluttered at his quiet words. His hand dropped back to his side and he sat up, so she climbed off of the bed and headed for the bathroom.

"Wait, is that why you—"

"No," she interrupted before he could say something outrageous. "But I hoped it would help." She glanced over her shoulder at him and saw a small smirk on his perfect mouth.

"Ms. Fix-It…" he mumbled, eyes lingering over her body before they rose to greet her gaze.

"As long as you've known me," she agreed. "But you still don't know all of me… Why is that?"

"Geezus," he sighed excitedly. "Is that an invitation?"

Her lingering smile was his only response and then she started moving toward the bathroom.

"We're going after that IFF today, flyboy," Shepard reminded him. "I hope you're ready."

"Yes, ma'am."

/

The Normandy trembled in the gust. Joker heard her footsteps on the bridge racing toward him and knew she was coming to see what was happening.

"What's with all the chop, Joker?" Shepard asked, holding onto the back of his chair for support. He flicked his eyes up at her, noting she'd already finished changing into her armor.

"Doing my best," he explained, focused on the holographic instruments in front of him. "The wind's gusting to 500 kph."

He brought the ship through, true to course, and they could see the derelict Reaper clearly in front of them.

"There's a second ship alongside the Reaper," Joker pointed out and glanced up at her again; she was still holding tight in the turbulence. "It's not transmitting any IFF, but the ladar paints its silhouette as geth."

Shepard did not look pleased. Her eyes narrowed slightly and her lips twitched in agitation.

"I guess we know why the science team stopped reporting in," she muttered.

After a few more moments of fighting the fierce wings, the trembling stopped and Joker made adjustments for the shift.

"What just happened?" she wanted to know, slowly easing from her tight grip to stand up straight.

"The Reaper's mass effect fields are still active. We just passed inside their envelope," he told her. They made eye contact. "Eye of the hurricane, huh?"

She nodded once in agreement and turned to go. He stopped her with an outstretched hand.

"Hey…" he began quietly. "I know you're all charge-in-blazing-explosions-yay, but… be careful."

She folded her arms across her chest and shifted her weight from one foot to the next, throwing one hip out in a small pose.

"You never sent me off with well wishes before," she reminded him, eyes revealing just how amused she was.

"Yeah, well, before I had to hide how I felt about you."

She shifted more seriously and he could have sworn he detected slight blush in her cheeks.

"Don't worry," she said softly. "This is what I do." And she turned to go, so he just nodded and went back to his console. He heard her pause behind him and, after a five-count, back up to stand beside him once more. "But… I'll keep the macho soldier at bay this run… for you."

And she left. Joker waited until she left and then smiled to himself.

He pulled the ship alongside the vessel and sent the shore party through. He was setting the engines to idle when someone else joined him in the cockpit.

"Lieutenant," Kelly greeted him. He rolled his eyes.

"Chambers," he replied, growing increasingly annoyed when he saw her take up a post against the rail next to EDI's projection platform. "You need something?"

"I'd like to talk."

"I'm a little busy right now. In case you weren't aware, Shepard just boarded a _Reaper_."

"I'm aware, but you're job is done until she returns."

Joker glared agitated at his screens, hoping that she'd catch the hint and leave if he ignored her long enough, but he probably wasn't that lucky.

"You seem upbeat today," Kelly began. _Nope, definitely not lucky._

"And?"

"And I was wondering if it had anything to do with the girl—or guy?—you're so crazy about."

"_Girl,_" he corrected.

"Girl," she conceded and, after a pause, continued. "That go somewhere?"

"Somewhere," he replied suggestively. Her leering gaze was not satisfied with his reply, but he enjoyed tormenting her. After all, she tormented him with her incessant pandering and invasive interviews.

"That's not how this works, Mr. Moreau," Kelly reminded him. "You're acting like a krogan!"

He raised his brows at her, wondering what that was supposed to mean.

"Difficult," she answered his curious gaze, but all she got out of him was a triumphant smirk. She sighed. "Is there anything you'd like to say about it? I can tell you're guarded. You're protecting the relationship. But why? Are you afraid others will see? Or are you afraid it isn't real?"

That struck a nerve. He twitched in annoyance only once, but it was enough to give it up that she'd had an effect.

"Look, before you go anywhere with that, I'm only protective because I don't think it's anyone else's damn business.

"Fair enough…" she agreed. "I still have to ask."

He slumped in his chair and groaned, annoyed. Wasn't there a way to escape this?

"Wait a minute," he muttered, noticing a peculiar flicker across his data stream. He began typing away, looking up the source. "EDI?"

"I see it, Jeff," she replied.

"Is that what I think it is?"

"Yes."

"Shit…" He opened the communication line to Shepard. "Normandy to shore party!"

"What just happened?" Shepard's voice asked over the speakers.

"The Reaper put up kinetic barriers. I don't think we can get through from our side."

"Imprisoned in a Reaper!" he heard Jack say in the background. "I wanna kill something now!"

"We'll have to take down the barrier generators from in here," Shepard went on. "Any idea where they are?"

EDI chimed in.

"At the moment of activation, I detected a heat spike in what is likely the wreck's mass effect core. Sending the coordinates now." There was a moment's pause and she continued. "Be advised: this core is also maintaining the Reaper's altitude."

Joker closed his eyes for a second, feeling the sickening tension of trouble creeping into his gut.

"So when we take the barriers down to escape, the wreck falls into the planet core," Shepard said, putting the puzzle together. Joker opened his eyes and began prepping the ship.

"And that means everyone dies. Yeah, I got it," he said, unable to keep the stress out of his voice.

"If any helmsman can pull us off this thing before it reaches crush depth, it's you," she told him and the vote of confidence coupled with the calm of her tone settled his beating heart a fraction. Then, she was back to business. "We'll make a sweep for survivors and recover what data we can. Stand by."

"Aye, aye. Good hunting," he said, riding her confident high until he could find strength himself. The line cut off and he set to work adjusting Normandy's settings. If he was going to pull off some miracles, he was going to need a maneuverability not programmed into standard procedures.

He'd seen her in trouble before, and they'd managed to work through it every time. Well, minus that… _Never mind._ He wondered if it was different now because she was officially his—they finally had something going and he was… terrified of losing it.

"You're close," Kelly said. "Unquestionable trust."

"We've been flying together a long time."

"I offered to give you my advice but… it doesn't seem as though you needed it, after all."

"What's that supposed to mean?" he snapped, his focus elsewhere.

"You were able to figure out for yourself that the feelings between you were mutual. I think that's good for her. Shepard has a lot on her plate. You both under—"

"Woah, woah!" Joker interrupted. "Who says we're talking about Shepard, here?"

Kelly rolled her eyes.

"Do I have to spell it out for you, Joker? It's my job to understand the emotions on this ship. I don't need your confessions to know what's going on."

Joker felt the embarrassment heating up under his skin. _Great... the shrink is shrinking me._

"So you're basically saying you already know everyone else's damn business, you're just being polite and asking instead of jamming your nose right in."

"Something like that," she answered and smiled.

"Great…"

"So tell me."

"Tell you what?"

"About the two of you."

"Tell you _what?_" he blurted angrily.

"You've worked closely together for a long time and your feelings have been developing as long as that. There are facts here, Joker, that make this a sensitive situation."

_Bitch!_ he thought, knowing exactly where she was going with that statement. He hated her for bringing it up, if for no other reason than because he'd been thinking it, too.

"You're talking about Shepard being on the ground getting shot at while I'm up here watching, waiting." He saw her nod in his peripherals. "I've been her air support for a long time. And if it's anything I've learned about Shepard, it's that she can take care of herself. After every mission she walked out of, you know what finally took her out? Me being a stubborn jack-ass!" He felt a little guilty, having promised Shepard never to blame himself again. But he couldn't help it; Kelly had pissed him off—butting in like that—and his mouth just started moving.

"Joker—"

"No, listen, cause I'm only going to say this once," he continued, still with an agitated tone that said, _I'm angry._ "Shepard is the strongest woman I know and I'll be damned before I watch her die again. What we got going on—her down there and me up here?—it's worked pretty well for us. And it will continue to do so. I'd never jeopardize the mission because of my feelings for her, and you _know_ she'd never do the same. Pulling her out of the armor is like ripping out a part of her—same as taking me out of this chair.

"Do I like her getting shot at? No. I've never approved of that. Do _I_ like getting shot at? Hell no. But this is who we are, and would I change anything about this situation? Fuck no! I mean, it'd be nice to not have human colonies getting abducted and the whole galaxy in danger of annihilation by a psychotic machine-race dying to destroy us, but you get my point."

Kelly smiled.

"Well, I was wrong," she said, and that deserved a full-on stare from the pilot. _She's… wrong? She's really admitting that? She's a bigger person than I thought… Damn it_. "I'm glad you have it figured out," she went on, "because earlier, you had a disturbed look on your face and I was worried you were unsure." She pushed off of the rail and nodded. "Go get 'em, Joker." And she left.

Joker stared at his console, dumbfounded.

"Shit…" he muttered, realizing the truth. He had been unsure, and her pestering questions had driven him to blurt out the speech that hacked through all the mud and got him to the truth. "She shrunk me."

"Yes, Jeff" EDI agreed. "She did."

He grinned a little. _This one goes to Chambers,_ he thought. She had helped him; of course, there was no way in hell he'd ever admit that.

"Hang on, folks!" he exclaimed over the comm. and then powered up the Normandy. He broke away from the ship, racing to Shepard's location on the other side of the wreck.

"Open the portside airlock!" Shepard cried through the speakers.

"Aye, aye!" he replied, hovering as close to the Reaper as he could.

External cams played a feed of husks hunkering after Shepard, Jack, and Grunt carrying some sort of machine. A geth? They tossed it at the airlock and Jack jumped first. Then Grunt. Shepard covered their exit with several well-placed shots, putting holes in the heads of several husks, and then she jumped, too.

"We're clear," she told him. "Go!"

She didn't have to ask twice. And she never would.


	7. Kiss Me

The door behind Joker was open and he heard the soft tread of rubber soles long before the feet actually reached the cockpit. The arms that draped around his neck put the twitch of a smile in his lips but he held back the greeting. By the clock, it was night time. Shepard had been back on board for hours and had yet to come and see him; he had to make her just a little sorry.

"Finally…" she muttered next to his ear. "I thought Miranda would never let me go. With such a past, she and Jacob sure disagree on a lot."

"Considering their both Cerberus? Yeah, that's something," he agreed. "So, good job reforming those geth, Commander. That'll never bite us in the ass."

She flicked his ear. "I know what I'm doing."

He glanced up at her and couldn't help but grin a little.

"Well, you've killed more geth than anyone… If this one makes the cut, I guess you have your reasons. Wouldn't have anything to do with that chunk of your N7 bolted onto its frame, now would it?"

"I don't know, Joker," she admitted. "Seems too sentimental for a machine."

Her thoughtful expression weakened his resolve to torment her for keeping him waiting. The dip in her right brow, the parted lips, and the tilt of her head looked too adorable to resist. He spun around in his chair.

"Don't look so serious, CO. Didn't you just escape Miranda?" He climbed out of his chair and, after a moment's hesitation, put his arms around her. It was still strange to act so familiar, but the desire to hold her outweighed the caution of protocol. _Since when do I care about rules, anyway?_ he thought.

Shepard was reluctant for only a second and then she leaned into his arms. Before she could complete the hug, he kissed her. It was only meant to be a simple kiss—an "I'm glad you're safe" kiss—but it snowballed into the hot-n-heavy category almost instantly. He was out of control; once she had accepted his feelings, he became unable stop himself.

"EDI," he mumbled between kisses, "give us the room…"

"Of course, Jeff," she replied, and the blue sphere disappeared.

Neither could be positive she actually left. Joker was pretty sure there was no place in the ship safe from EDI's mechanical and metaphorical gaze, but the illusion of privacy was sometimes just as good as the real thing.

As Joker kissed her, he felt her suddenly mash up against him. He groaned at the feel of her breasts on his chest and kicked himself for letting the moan escape. He felt the heat in his cheeks from embarrassment. Maybe she didn't feel it… his erection against her hips… but probably he wasn't that lucky.

To his surprise, he pushed him back into his chair and, potentially dejected, he wondered if play time was over. He sought her face for an explanation and the expression doubled his hard on. Her cheeks were flushed, eyes glassy and hungry, lips poised and wet from his zealous kisses—it was erotic as hell. There was no hiding his erection now.

As Shepard crawled onto his chair, she pulled his hat off and dropped it into his lap. His unkempt hat hair fuzzed out in random directions but the smirk on her mouth was worth the humiliation. Her fingertips pushed into the hair by his ears and then her nails combed higher. _Could she somehow like this?_ he wondered, noticing her eyes lingering on his brown mop.

He reached up and pulled her down by her neck to kiss her again. Her tongue met his with a little electric shock of pleasure and her fingers tightened into a ball in his hair, pulling him into her mouth. He didn't need the encouragement but appreciated it anyway. Suddenly her hands unhooked his belt and claws at the base of his shirt. _Wait… really? Is this for real? Please, god, say it's for real…_

"Shepard," he breathed. Her hand brushed his groin and, though he bit back his encouraging moan, his erection throbbed in response. He had to fight to keep the hope out of his voice when he asked, "Do you really want to do this?"

"Tell me you don't," she replied with a smirk. _Too late,_ he thought. _It's over. I have no more control._

Joker yanked his hat onto her head and quickly unbuttoned her top, nose digging into her neck when he nibbled and sucked at her flesh. He traveled up and nipped at her earlobe just as his hands broke into her shirt. Her breasts filled his palms and he squeezed excitedly.

"Hey, Commander," he whispered against her cheek, a smile on his lips and his rough beard scratching her skin. "Prime time to seal the cockpit… don't you think?"

The little chuckle he heard was confirmation enough but he was having trouble breaking a hand away from her glorious chest in order to do it.

"Flyboy," she murmured, "I'm not going anywhere. Do it and you can keep playing all you want."

"Geez, Commander…" he groaned, fumbling with the controls until the doors hissed closed and the holo-lock flashed red. She leaned back and quirked a brow at him. "What?"

"Why do you keep calling me commander?"

"I think it's a personal fantasy of every subordinate to fuck the commander," he explained, leaning up to kiss her. "Just give me this one."

She moved her face to the side; he felt her lips hovering near his ear and her hot breath caused his skin to tingle.

"Want to know my personal fantasy?" she whispered. Her fingertips brushed along his jaw and her lips nipped at his lobe. He groaned, head tilting back in pleasure. Those same soft lips and wet tongue tickled his throat.

"I'm dying to know…" he mumbled, eyes drifting closed. He suddenly felt her fingers in his hair, tugging, and her lips covered his in a deep and hard kiss. He moaned into her and pulled her tightly to him, fingers digging hungrily into the skin beneath her shirt.

Suddenly she was up, wiggling out of her pants and underwear, leaving her shirt draping over her shoulders. When she climbed back onto him, she poised over his lap and slowly rubbed up against the erection trapped in his pants. His breathing became rougher and deeper as he grew inside the tight restraint, desperate with her hot, wet sex taunting him.

"Commander," he exhaled excitedly, gripping the arms of his chair. "Tell me," he mumbled, "tell me your fantasy."

When he looked up at her, there was a coy smirk on her face. Her fingers teased his neck, his collarbone, down his chest to his waist before she pulled his shirt off. Her palms pressed to his breast, his abdomen and he was suddenly extremely proud of his muscles. _Thank god I never cut gym class,_ he thought as her lips tenderly kissed his torso.

"Tell me," he begged.

He suddenly felt her hand on his pants, at the zipper, and then there was a wonderful release from those stuffy pants. His hard erection stood at attention and her pliant fingers were quick to salute him for being such a good little subordinate.

"Fuck, Shepard," Joker moaned as she gripped him tightly and pumped her fist up and down. He reached out and grabbed her hair, her face, then pulled her closer. His mouth closed on hers, tongues dancing. "Tell me," he mumbled, but she only kissed him again.

When her hand stopped its stimulating massage, he was rewarded with the hot feel of her inner thighs hovering just above his tip. He felt the wet folds brushing his skin. Joker shifted his position and gripped her hips. Somehow, he was worried something could still stop this—this moment he'd always dreamed of.

When he slid into her, he exhaled a trembling breath and then kissed her. _So there is a god…_ Shepard moaned softly, encouraging him to begin working his hips.

"Fuck me, soldier," she muttered. He stared in shock.

"W-what?" he stammered, not sure he heard right.

"I gave you an order, flyboy. Don't make me repeat myself."

"Yes ma'am," he groaned, and followed her command. He pushed into her, sighing at the feeling of hot and wet surrounding him. As he did, she began grinding onto him. What started out as a slow and sensual movement—perhaps an uncertain prelude—quickly turned into a hard and fast one.

Joker's eyes glazed over as he watched her breasts bounce up and down with the motion of her body. Her sweaty hips beneath his palms nearly slipped from his grip just as the button-up fell from her shoulders to the crook of her arms. Her red hair curled messily on her collarbone and chest. Those glaucous blueberry eyes glistened under black eyelashes.

Joker grunted and gripped her arms, pulling her down into him. He crushed his mouth to hers, heart fluttering as her breasts mashed against his chest. The rhythm never slowed. Her fingers curled into his biceps, hair curtaining around their faces, and the climax came with another kiss.

/

The blur of the Collector attack on the Normandy came crashing in with Miranda's abrupt raving. He was perched on the conference table while Jacob looked up from the other side of it.

"Everyone? You lost everyone and damn near lost the ship, too?" she exclaimed. The rest of the crew began filtering in behind her, but he didn't see Shepard with them.

"I know! I was here," he replied, bitter and scared and sad. Jacob stepped up, thankfully. He didn't really feel like fighting this battle.

"It's not his fault, Miranda," Jacob countered. "None of us caught it."

"Mr. Taylor is correct," EDI informed the room. "The harmful data in the Collector drive was even more sophisticated than the "black box" Reaper viruses I was given."

Just then, Shepard stormed through the crowd, which easily parted to let her through. Her eyes were hard with cold fire and her hair was blazing hot. There was a look of rage and death in her expression.

"Is the ship clean?" she asked.

"EDI and I purged the systems. The Reaper IFF is online. We can go through the Omega 4 relay whenever you want," he replied.

"Don't even get me started about unshackling a damn AI," Miranda muttered from left field, arms crossed over her chest. Shepard turned an icy glare on her.

"What could I do against Collectors? Break my arm at them?" Joker asked, feeling stronger and angrier now that Shepard was at his side again. "EDI cleared the ship. She's all right."

"I assure you, I am still bound by protocols in my programming. Even if I were not, you are my crewmates," EDI announced.

There was a moment of silence when the crew realized EDI wasn't just a machine, but an essential part of the team. Sure, a program was always just a program… but EDI somehow felt different. EDI somehow felt like a "her", and "her" meant living, thinking, personable life-form.

Joker almost smiled.

"EDI's had plenty of opportunity to kill us and she hasn't, unlike everything else in this fucking galaxy. I trust her and you do, too, or you're off my damn ship." Shepard stomped toward the door. "We need all the fucking help we can get." She didn't even glance over her shoulder when she issued her commands, voice scarily dark. "Joker, get back up to the bridge. The rest of you, to your stations. The Collectors took my people. Time to go get them back."

The room fell quiet with the Commander's exit. Joker watched after her, wondering if it was protocol or something else that kept her from looking at him. Jacob stepped up and put a hand on his shoulder as the crew slowly filtered out of the conference room.

"When EDI's message came through," he began in a growly mumble, "she was so angry, she almost didn't stop…"

"Stop what?"

"Killing." He paused. "I almost felt sorry for the vorcha. There was nothing that could stop her from getting through to the shuttle and getting back here." He swallowed. "Nothing."

And then he left, too.

Joker slowly pushed himself onto his feet and hobbled out to the elevator. He rode it back up to the CIC and made the trek up to the cockpit. She was there, still in her battle-worn armor, head bent and arms braced on the handrail across the ceiling.

Shepard heard Joker behind her but was afraid to turn around. She was still trying to cope with the fact that she'd almost lost him. Of course she was prepared to a degree, but she'd truly believed that she would die first. If he died, it was because she failed to protect him, because she died first. There was no way he was allowed to outlive her.

"Shepard," he began and her shoulders slumped in defeated terror.

"Jeff, I…" she muttered. "Are you okay?"

"There are a lot of empty chairs, but… I'm still here."

She nodded, eyes pinched closed. His body came close to hers, chin rested on her shoulder, arms enclosed around her waist. She felt like a hulking mass embraced this way, but she couldn't break out of his hug for even a moment to unload herself.

"Every time I think… we get a step ahead," she began quietly, "the Collectors show up and drop-kick us three steps back. At the breaking point, I feel like everything's out of my control."

"We _will_ get them back," he assured her. "If it's possible, you can do it. Hell, if it's impossible, I'm sure you'll pull it off. You're the only one I've ever known who can turn around and say, 'Gravity? Non-sense!' and fly."

"Not when lives are at stake. Shit…"

Shepard felt like she was going to hurl. Kelly, Dr. Chakwas, Ken, Gabby, everyone—gone. And at the forefront of her mind: Joker was almost taken from her in the one place she believed him to be untouchable. She opened her mouth to say something but her eyes fell on a plate of peanut butter and apple slices half-eaten at Joker's console.

_Those are two flavors that shouldn't be mixed," he complained. "I don't know how you eat this. It's nowhere near good._ She remembered his words loud and clear. Yet there it was: her favorite snack. He'd been eating it when the attack had happened.

Her control snapped.

She probably dented the ventilation shaft when she punched it, but she hardly felt the impact. Joker grabbed her face and pulled her into him, kissing her hard.

"It's okay," he whispered between kisses. There was something wet on his face and when he checked, there were tears rolling down her cheeks. He'd never seen blueberries cry before and it broke his heart to see. "Saia…" he whispered, stroking her brow.

Her head hung as she softly sobbed. He kissed her temple, her cheeks, her jaw. His hand nuzzled into hers for just a moment and then he slumped into his chair.

"Wait," he begged. "Wait one minute…"

EDI silently helped him get the Normandy en route to the Omega 4 and then he stood up and escorted Shepard back out to the elevator, thankfully dodging all life forms. No one but he was allowed to see Shepard cry.

When they reached her cabin and were locked inside, she started pulling off armor pieces and dropping them on the floor. She collapsed onto her bed, supine, and dug the heels of her palms into her eyes. Joker crawled next to her.

"Saia, look at me," he mumbled, arms wrapping around her. "Look at me…"

Her blueberry eyes met his and he pulled her into a firm kiss. He felt her melt into him and held her tighter.

"I was scared," she whimpered.

"Me, too," he admitted. Truthfully, he was always a little scared every time she left the ship. "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me…"

"That happened to you…" She trailed off, rolling her eyes. "I happened to you, and brought war and death with me."

"Well… even still," he said with a shrug of one shoulder. "Best thing. Ever."

She closed her eyes, pushing another flood of tears, and nuzzled her face in his neck.

"Thank you for coming back…" she whispered. He rested his cheek on her head and tightened his hold on her.

It's not that he was sentimental, but Joker was loyal. How could she even thank him for coming back? People go their whole lives trying to find the place they belong. He'd found his. Returning to Shepard's side was just the natural thing to do.

That was before he'd realized he loved her, before he ever thought he stood a chance in hell to win her heart. Now? There wasn't anyone in the world he'd trade places with, even if the Omega 4 _was _a suicide mission. He would be with her, so it didn't matter. Every risk was worth it for Shepard…

Joker leaned back far enough to kiss her, tongue mingling with hers. He needed to express this to her properly and he was never any good with words. He fingers gripped her back and pulled her into him. One hand glided down her hip and across her thigh, lifting it onto his waist. She complied with his direction, returning his kisses even as tears slipped out of her eyes.

He rolled on top of her and deepened the kiss, demanding she think of nothing but him and how much he loved her, demanding an end to her sorrow and tears. She had been his strength since their first skirmish, and now he was going to be hers.

"Saia," he whispered, but he let his body do the explaining.


	8. That Thing I Like

Shepard lifted her gaze from the Collector base scans and looked at each face around the room. She was covered head to toe in armor and weapons with a sniper visor over her right eye. She was no longer Saia Shepard, the woman, but Commander Shepard, the warrior. Even still, wrapped up in this battle mode, she could feel Joker's strength inside of her.

"I don't know what we're going to find in there, but I won't lie to you," she began. "It's not going to be easy. We've lost good people. We may lose more." She pushed off of the table and straightened up. "We don't know how many the Collectors have stolen—thousands, hundreds of thousands. It's not important. What matters is this: not one more. That's what we can do, here, today." She paused and picked up her rifle. "It ends with us. They want to know what we're made of? I say we show them, on our terms." Shepard cocked the weapon and holstered it on her back. "Let's bring our people home."

She escorted her crew out to the airlock and one by one they exited the ship. Joker was waiting to speak to her before she followed them out.

"Shepard," he began, but she shook her head.

"I'm okay," she assured him. "I promise. We'll get everyone back. We'll stop the Collectors. And we'll go home. All of us."

He pulled her in and pressed his forehead to hers.

"Yeah," he agreed. "I know."

"Joker…" she whispered, brow pinching together as she struggled to find the right words. "You make me laugh, even when I think I can't. You lift my spirits when everything around me is dragging them to hell." She swallowed, wanting to convey the right message. "When you kissed me, I… felt strong enough to save everyone…"

"So the fate of this mission relies on me kissing you right now?" he asked quietly, hoarsely.

"No, I—"

But he cut her off. "Cause I can do that," he whispered as he moved in and firmly pressed his lips to hers. They traded intense kisses for a brief moment and he broke away. "Now go save the world, Commander…"

She smirked. "You got it, flyboy."

/

_No! Shepard! No!_ Joker screamed in his head, racing to the airlock as the Normandy settled at the escape point, rifle in hand. The hatch opened up to gunfire and Grunt and Jack were on the walkway, sprinting closer and closer. The Collectors were spraying and he returned fire, seeking out Shepard in the fray.

A platform dropped and knocked the path, shaking the already crumbling base. He gaped at the abyss created between the Normandy and the nightmare, finally seeing Shepard racing over the hill.

"Shepard!" he screamed as she leapt out, arms and legs swinging in mid-air. There was a moment he held his breath and his heart stopped beating.

/

The cool breeze blew in from the sea and the sun felt warm without the burn. Aite's weather was perfect and their beach entirely secluded in the wilds of the jungle-planet. There were tourist spots and home-owner waterfronts, but the Normandy was capable of finding leave-us-the-hell-alone-ville and that's just where it had gone.

Joker stopped a few feet away from the blanket sprawled on the sand, campsite just meters away from the ocean. The woman on the blanket had her feet dug into the white grains. Her red hair was short again, dancing in the breeze, and he couldn't see her blueberry eyes with her back to him. He watched her toes squishing in the sand before he approached.

"Where have you been?" she asked over her shoulder. "I thought you just went to get drinks."

He kept his arm behind his back, the secret package hidden from view. He knelt behind her and kissed her cheek.

"I had to run back to the ship for something," he confessed, catching her glaucous gaze as she turned a perplexed expression on him.

"All the way back to the Normandy?" Shepard asked. "What for?"

That was when she noticed his arm behind his back and he traced the lines of excited apprehension on her face.

"I have something for you…" he mumbled with anticipation. "I don't know if we'll ever get another chance for this so… here goes." He revealed his present and the pale gray fur of a baby pygmy rabbit stood out behind the black bards of the cage. "He's small," Joker explained the obvious, "so he won't take up much room…"

Shepard grinned.

"Joker, you—" she mumbled, playfully smacking his arm.

"What?" he asked coyly. "I told you I'd get you a rabbit… Anyway, I named him Biscuit."

"Biscuit?"

"Yeah, he's small and likes biscuits so…"

"I fail to follow your logic."

"It's infallible. It doesn't need to be followed."

"You sure about that?"

"Positive," he replied. He set the cage between them and Shepard reached into the cage with one finger to gently stroke the bunny's head.

"He's adorable," she said softly. "Thank you."

"I love you," Joker blurted. She leaned over and rested her head on his shoulder.

"I know," she replied. "I love you, too."

They sat like that for awhile, taking in the sights, the sounds, the smells. It was so peaceful. Finally, Shepard nudged his arm.

"This is it," she said.

"This is what?"

"My personal fantasy." The grin she flashed him was sexy as hell. "No war, no guns, no death… Just you and me… on a beach with our toes in the sand…"

He crawled over and pushed her onto the blanket, pinning her into the sand.

"That's so girly, Commander," he whispered, smiling. "I kind of like it."

He kissed her open-mouthed and hard, enjoying the easy access of her bathing suit as opposed to the standard armor and standard-dress-uniform. His hands glided up her waist and his fingers curled around her breasts beneath the flimsy material. He was already hard in his shorts.

"Do that thing I like," he whispered hotly in her ear.

"I can't do that," she whispered sensually. "Biscuit might see…"

Joker pulled his shirt off and tossed it over the rabbit cage. He pulled her into his arms and kissed her again.

"No way I'm losing out to my own present," he mumbled against her lips and Biscuit merely tilted his head at the strange sounds that came next.


End file.
